Anna DeSalvo's Journal
31st August, 2003. 9:20 am. so impossibly me
I know i assumed too much about life....I expected more than I could handle - and I wanted it to work out. I wanted to be happy and loved and SPECIAL. Why does that just mean being skinny to me? I tried to love someone and something more than just myself, but what does that mean anyway? Am i just screwing my life up more and more as the days go on? Who am i anymore, I feel more at home in this skin than I ever have yet I don't know if this is who i wanted to be all a long. I just want happiness, to be happy. is that more than enough?
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16th March, 2003. 8:57 pm.
things are coming together, yet I can't find a way to attach any of them. I can work out, and I can have fun but I can't live my life the way I would want it to be. I can't be that perfect lil girl that I once was....I was so happy, and so alone. maybe without people, life is much more managable...without the craziness of all the other people that overtake your life and love you but pull you away from the very thing that you need - breath.
9th February, 2003. 10:34 pm. it's gone
I hate to think that highschool is over....like it was all a dream. a never ending cycle on insainity and joy...I cried and laughed and wanted to scream - carrying my life away with the shrieks and madness that overtook me. Sometimes at night, i wonder where God is taking me, and am i following the right path - did i screw up and do i have to go back to square one. This whole life is like a big game to me - but i could never win it, I could never score high enough to reach the top 100.
I won happiness, and control but I cannot seem to grasp the concepts of either. And i worry, so much that my nails are gone, and my heart is aching with grief. Sweat drips from the veins that pump life through me, wishing them to just stop one day. But i have fear of where i will go. Because the fiery pits below seem to be my new fate without the heavenly grace that i have shunned. Without the baptism, without the words, without the commitment - i have nothing but pain. and it's all slipping away from me, will i be here tomrrow?
24th January, 2003. 11:34 pm.
I feel insane....Like everything in my life is a completely whirlwind and it all turned around suddenly...like yesterday meant nothing to anyone. I held on to the memories of the laughs - the times i shared with all those who are most important. did I let them down? I feel as if i keep ruining my chances at true happiness.Self-sabotage in it's height. I'm so happy yet so torn apart - not by love, this time, by hatred. Pure Hatred, for myself....
I'm hungry for madness, the insainity in my brain boils up to a point - i can't take how crazy i feel without you in my head. There's a monster in my brain, it tells me how to live. How to gorge myself in sin, and ask for repentance later. is that enough anymore....God, do you hear me? I feel like i'm yelling at the sky, and I'm only on Mute....My prayers are silent to my own ears - so how can you hear them if the only words I speak are all I know...
What do i know anymore...is it real? I feel like i've fallen away, into the depths of red fire, without you I'm nothing....God....without you i'm dead.
11th September, 2002. 9:20 pm.
Life is crazy. you strive to get something and then when you finally obtain it, you aren't happy anymore....you don't want it. I thought i wanted jake for so long...then i thought i wanted someone else....then jake told me he wanted me. now I don't know if i want him. or anyone else. What am i supposed to do?? I love him. But i fell out of love so deeply when he cut me to the bone with his coldness.
I cherished our time together...but i think the time is claustrophobic. I'm scared...to say no, to push him away, for fear that he'll never come back. it's not the right time...i say....he agreed....and now what are we? together in our own lives?. kiss. hug. hold hands. but the words are forbidden to say...to whisper...to think. that we're together, because it's too much bother. But i know it is!!! finally i see. do i have room in my life to worry about someone else? it's difficult, when they all shun his presence. and i'm stuck....between friends....and foes....who are really friends in an evil sort of way.
what do i say? can i escape the madness....can i cry just a little? can i be happy for once? can i love again?
am i dead? God help me!
1st September, 2002. 10:36 pm. maybe
Maybe life meant something to me
at one point in time...
I'd like to think i had a purpose
I wish i knew...knew what it was
and i thought i felt what God's
In my mind, i could not escape the never
ending horror stories that reminded
me of myself
IN my heart, i knew nothing because it
was blind from so much pain.
The tears stained my heart,and made
my blood run cold.
in the end, i was just a lonely girl
caught in my own nightmare
30th August, 2002. 6:54 pm. happiness
I'm soo sleepy. My brain hurts.but before i retired from my perch, i think i should write just to remind myself of how much fun i had. So i went to school. first day was awesome, saw jeanna at the yearbook signing - it was so great to see her! I wasn't sure how well she was doing, but i hope well. because i always worried, even when we stopped talking. I don't even remember how we did...it just happened. and it's so sad too.
well. i went on the retreat - and that was SOOOOO awesome. i loved it! Hung out with my old friends, but i made some new ties. Hanging out with those guys was cool. i just know that they are a lil too much into the "sexual" talk...and that just kinda grosses me out because i don't want them thinking of me like that. I've changed so much. i mean, God is now in my life...and it just changes your perception in everything. IT was cool hanging out with tony, and adam, and paul, and adam, and jerry, and talia, and fish, and garner...even tho drama levels were high. And i got to goof off, which we all know is my fave thing to do! It's crazy how loud i've gotten...
you know what freaks me out...jake told me he wanted to go out with me again...i said, not now...he was sad. but he just kept saying he missed me, he even said he loved me. I told him 'be careful what you say, make sure you want to recommit to me because i can't take it if you love me but turn out hot and cold like jason'. That hurt him too. But my life is so hectic. and all i want is someone who makes me feel good about myself, and not question me for being me. I dunno...it makes sense,i guess. It's weird how different i am, but at the same time - im still a scared little girl, just hanging on, barely, to what she aspires to be. All i want to be is strong!....God give me strength.
I got a "WWJD" bracelet from Dice. I love him!! woohoo! I'm so happy, I haven't been able to find one forever. = ) I am soo excited. especially about this year... i mean, I just wanna chill, have fun. and find true happiness.
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28th August, 2002. 8:54 pm. There's got to be more to life than this!
wow. this feels foreign. My first day of school was fun!!! I'm really pooped now, tho. bleh. I have to go to bed in an hour!!! hehe. Oh well. i'll try. Anyways, i got to see jeanna today at Cleveland, which was really weird but she looked really cute! and she was so sweet to me...I really thought she hated me. But she seemed happy to see me. i looked really bad but oh well. Today was a good day tho. I mean my old friends didn't really act weird towards me at all. I think they wanna be friends again, but it's just weird. so im trying to hang out with everyone, so that i don't get stuck in one group of people. My schedule is jammed. I actually traded a study hall for advanced. Bio! I'm sooo crazy. I think i'm gonna trade weight training back to world geography. I need it more, and plus. there are 13 people in the class. i'd rather go to the gym!!! = ) anyways. I had a good time for the most part tho. Drama happened, but that' expected isn't it. It feels like jake doesn't even exist to me anymore. It kinda hurts, but feels good. I dunno. i just kinda wanna get this year goin! You know, jump into things. I'm kinda scared i'll burn out, but i gotta try it at least. I'm doing well. I feel really bad about kevin tho. It probably isn't fun for him to talk to me and then me not have time to hangout....even tho i said i would. i dunno there just aren't enough hours in the day, I think! I just don't want him to start to feel bad. It's just so weird for me not to want a boyfriend, finally. I feel so free! I love it!!!= ) but at the same time i miss the affection and the love. But it's ok.it all comes in time. Tony is trying!!! hahahahahah! like that'll happen. he's adorable, but he just wants the booty. and this booty ain't givin!!! plus, eh. boys just seem petty to me right now. I think after you go through first love- you kinda realize how much more life you have to live before you settle down. and how you have to savor each minute otherwise it'll pass you by. Like "never take the path of least resistance" - i dunno. it just kinda inspires me to go for it all.
love always, anna banana
23rd August, 2002. 12:47 am. thank you
I feel so down on myself lately, it's sad that my self esteem is attached to anything. It's just that i haven't been in the gym for a week. my hair looks sooooo unhealthy....and feel like a wreck. i think i just need back into the swing of things. and to just take care of myself. I need to reconnect with myself. Niki helped me so much, I love you bunches. And i can finally say i truely appreciate what true friendship is. I finally feel like i've surrounded myself with good people. and that i'm on the good path....I feel up. the real test is withstanding what i WANT and doing what i NEED. thank you god for sending me hope.
love always, anna
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21st August, 2002. 1:33 am.
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I feel horrible. i just got off the phone with jake, sometimes he makes me feel like utter CRAP. he attacks me for not calling him lately, and when i did that like a couple months ago he just threw it in my face! what the crap? I don't understand how someone could be so selfish to not realize his own mistakes...is this God trying to show me? is this God trying to help me? what am i supposed to do, i know he's hurt, and i apoligized but why do i still feel like i'm a horrible person. i was just trying to give him space, so he didn't feel so pressured....with me, to be around me....God, i forgive him...with all my strength, i forgive him.
kevin lately has made me feel so great, i love being with him, not just because he's sweet to me, but because he doesn't make me feel like i have to change myself. or like i'm weird...even tho i am. i dunno, it just is finally great to meet a genuinely nice guy. for once. i still have yet to decide on what we will be.
as for my teeth, they hurt...and continue to hurt more and more. i can't wait until i get to get on a tredmill again and go lift weights. i feel so lazy.
later dayz and god bless